Some shithead in an SUV, towing a boat with kids in the backseat (are you kidding?), decides it’s his day to be a dick. I’m not really allowed to give the details out; we’re going into litigation with this maniac and have been advised not to talk about it too much. All I can say is that Craig and I were intentionally rammed from behind by this A&M-lovin’ crazy at the oh so unsafe speed of 75mph. And why did he do this? I’m not sure. My bet is that instead of taking his keep-me-from-going-insane pill that morning, he took a healthy shot of crazy juice.

Some people just do not deserve to operate a vehicle capable of causing death. They thin out the wrong end of the gene pool.

So now what, do you ask? Well, Craig’s suffering from severe whiplash and I’m experiencing the worst and most prolonged pain in my neck and head that I’ve experienced in my whole life. I’m hurt, Craig’s hurt, and this bastard is going to pay. We are going to nail his ass to the proverbial wall. Ha, ha! Lawyers, baby, they can be a bee-yew-tee-ful thang.

(I’m pissed, or couldn’t you already tell?)

To get off on a little bit of a rant here, ordinary people should not be allowed to drive SUVs and large trucks. I think that you have to 1) own or work for a business that requires the hauling/towing of large objects, and 2) pay a bunch of money to get a special license so you can drive that monster transport.

As it is, the roads and highways of our lives are clogged with these mechanical beasts. They block our view, spew out harmful exhaust fumes, and are ugly to look at. SUVs/trucks should be reserved for those who actually use them. They are not meant for everyday driving, status symbols, or carting around your groceries and/or kids. If you need a giant car to show that you have a bigger dick than everyone else, I have a simple suggestion: Save the money you would have spent on that SUV or truck and get some therapy for your hideously low self-esteem. And if you have that much shit to carry around every single day, then you desperately need to simplify, man.

Every day I see these conveyances of carnage chugging down the road, their drivers oblivious to the world around them because they either have a goddamn cell phone glued to their ear or simply because they think that their vehicle is so large they can just run over anything that gets in their way. Well, I say fuck that!

I’m appealing to those of you out there who are like me. Those of you with enough sense to drive a sensible car and drive it well. Unite with me against these insensitive idiots, these status-symbol shitheads, these Neanderthal ne’er-do-wells. If you or someone you know is planning to buy an SUV or truck, STOP for a moment and use that mass of gray matter in between your ears. Because I may drive an itty bitty Escort, but I’m not afraid to show you just how big my dick really is.

*whew*

Oh, and how did I know the road-ragin’ asshole loves A&M? I saw the bumpersticker. Aggies. Go figure.

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