I've spent the last two weeks feeling like crap. Head stuffed up, tickle in my throat, muscles achy; I've been sick. I was convalescing on my couch one night, mug of hot tea next to me, remote in hand as I went flipping through the channels trying to find some source of entertainment that would take my mind off the headache I could feel building behind my eyes. And what should I happen upon but a news promo for a "breaking" and "live-saving" story on the threat of germs in our society today ("Germ Warfare" is the clever title they gave this shock-piece, I believe). Don't touch your money; you don't know where it's been. Don't touch doorknobs; dirty hands have turned them before you. Don't type on a publicly available keyboard; beneath the keys swims a cesspool of filth. Don't let your kids go to daycare; those places are filled with poop and snot and hideous bacteria. And all I could think was Well, no-fucking-duh!

The fact is, the world is a dirty, smelly, and gross place. There are germs and bacteria and viruses crawling all over everything---including you---every second of every minute of every day. Go take a look at your bathroom right now. I'll bet you ten dollars that somewhere you've got some mildew in the grout or some weird almost-soap scummy material on your shower curtain that you always try to clean but never really comes all the way out. Your bed and carpet and couches are all filled with microscopic bugs called mites. These mites share your living space and serve no other function other than to eat the dead skin that is constantly falling off your body. If you have pets . . . Well, I don't have to tell you what kind of disgusting things pets can bring into your house hiding in their fur and even on occasion in their mouths. If you have young children, your life is nothing but an endless parade of soiled diapers/clothes, runny noses, open-mouthed coughs, unidentified sticky material, and all sorts of other things that would make any normal person shudder in revulsion. You've shaken hands with complete strangers, taking your health literally into your own hands, not knowing where that friendly hand had been five minutes before you shook it. You've opened the door to a public bathroom with the subconscious knowledge that probably only one in every ten people who've gone in there before you washed their hands when they were done with their business. Ever been to a strip club? Even if you haven't, you probably know that strippers get mostly one dollar bills as tips, and that those one dollar bills are usually stored in an very unhygenic location for most of that stripper's shift. And I bet that you probably also know which bill is the most common bill used in cash transactions. That's right; the one dollar bill. (Point being there's a good chance that at least once in your life you've paid for your gas or a pack of gum or a cheeseburger with money that had been shoved between the sweaty butt cheeks of a stripper. Just food for thought) All of these---and it's a very short list if you stop to think about it---are just normal, everyday occurrances. Just think of all the people out there who are nurses, or sewage pumpers, or janitors, or any number of other occupations that deal with germs and bacteria on a daily basis. And think about how often you come into contact with these people unknowingly on a daily basis.

. . . . . . . . . . I'm giving you the chance to let the information sink in . . . . . . . . . . Has it sunk in yet? All right; let's move on.

Now, with this brand new knowledge you've attained on daily germ contact, you might be saying to yourself, "Well, no wonder people get sick." But I want you to take it one step further. Ask yourself this: Why aren't people sick every day of their lives? Well, kids, it's called an immune system. Say it with me now. Immune system. Good!

I'm takin' you back to basic elementary science class now. Human beings were designed with a defense against germs and bacteria, an involuntary system your body uses any time a foreign obect gets in. Your blood is made up of two parts, red blood cells and white blood cells (also known as plasma). Your plasma a specialized job: fight infection. A germ enters your body and your plasma jumps into action. The germ is surrounded, attacked mercilessly until it's been conquered. But the great thing is what happens after. You're further protected from infection by that germ by the development of antibodies. These antibodies remain in your blood to readily and easily fight future infections by that germ. It's a process that's as old as time, one that's been working quite well since memory began.

But suddenly we find that it's breaking down. People are getting sick every day from minor infections by bacteria and viruses. We have to keep taking newer and better medicines to fight off these attacks on our bodies. We have anti-bacterial soap and hand gel, we have disinfectant wipes and sprays, we have a whole slew of drugs to prevent and counteract the effects of sickness and minor disease. And people are still getting sick. So we develop more wipes and sprays and soaps and gels and inhalants and syrups and suppositories and pills. And people get sicker.

Why?

Think of it this way. If you have a child who's learning to tie their shoes, you let them try to tie them over and over again until they learn how to do it. You don't just say, "They don't know how to do it," and keep tying their shoes for them the rest of their lives. My point? If you don't give your plasma the chance to do it's job, your body will never learn to produce the antibodies you need to fight off common infections. You body will never develop the skills it needs to defend itself against "germ warfare." If you keep stuffing yourself full of antibiotics and slathering antibotic gel and lotion all over yourself . . . There are million different ways to say it: You're keeping your body from doing its job. You're stunting the growth of that antibody cache so when something makes its way into your system, it doesn't know how to handle it and you get sick. It's just that simple, folks.

I'm pissed off at the onslaught of germ-fighting products on the market today. We're inundated with commercials about products that promise to rid your house of 90% of germ-causing bacteria, along with "special" news reports about our supposedly unsanitary living conditions. The media has served us up a big plate of germ paranoia. And all it's done is create fear in the hearts of American consumers so they'll keep doing what they do best: buying stuff and thus continuing to be good American consumers. Yes, there are dangerous things that can get into our homes and infect us and make us really really sick. Things like salmonilla and e-coli. And yes, I fully agree that we should all do our best to keep these infectios materials under control because our bodies aren't really equipped to handle them. But spraying the handle of your toilet with Lysol every time you take a piss, or pumping anti-bacterial gel into your hands after you shake hands with a stranger is borderline obsessive compulsive. It's mildly good for the economy, but not so good for your health. These products are creating a larger problem by overprotecting our bodies and blocking our immune systems from doing what they were designed to do. We're creating resistant strains of bacteria every time we go to the doctor and get that Rx for antibiotics just because our noses are a little runny. And that's the really scary thing; by overusing medication, we're actually helping germs become stronger and more resistant to those medications. Who's side are we on, our own health and well-being or the germ's? So here's my advice:

• Cook your meat thoroughly to the right internal temperature and wash your hands with regular soap and hot water after touching it.
• If you have the sniffles or a sore throat, drink some hot tea. Do not go to the doctor unless you are running a fever. Also, ask your doctor if there is some sort of alternative to taking an antibiotic.
• Wash your hands after using the restroom. Even if other people don't, at least you're not contributing to the problem.
• Eat good foods; your immune system can't function correctly if you're unhealthy.
• Throw away all your hand gels, wipes, and sprays. There are plenty of other things you can clean your house with and plain soap and hot water actually works for washing your hands.
• If you have to sneeze, use a tissue. If you can't find a tissue, at least try to wash your hands afterwards. Same goes for coughing.
• Finally, calm down, for crying out loud! The world may be dirty, but the chances of it killing you are actually pretty slim.

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