WARNING: The following editorial is not for the musically sensitive. If you are offended by truth delivered in a humorous fashion, sprinkled liberally with four-letter words and outspoken opinions, then read no further. Instead, you should perhaps do some reading on the PMRC (Parent's Music Resource Center) and make Tipper Gore your new hero. Thank you.

Last night I read this really great article in Magnet magazine about the sad state of music today. It explored the idea that all the music and "artists" we're being bombarded with nowadays are nothing but diet versions of the real thing. Kind of like pro wrestling. We've traded quality for fancy packaging, meaning for catchy hooks, and the meaty truth for sugar-pill substitutes. I don't know about you, but being force-fed too much fake integrity makes me want to yak.

So, watch out, kids. Mama Holly's got a soapbox stapled to her shoes and she's not gettin' off of it 'till somebody pries her loose.

First of all, Avril Lavigne. Someone needs to tie her to a chair, shave her head, pierce her nipples, and force her to take a four month-long history lesson in punk/indie rock. The real stuff. Some Sex Pistols, the Clash, Iggy Pop, and The Slits just to name a few. I know she's only eighteen, but Fiona Apple was younger than that when she made her first album and she had the temerity to be disenchanted by the world and write her own music. Why not Avril? I'll tell you why not. Because the words falling out of that unhaggard and unlined face were written for her by old men who get paid to write catchy songs that appeal to a certain demographic. Listen up all you angst-ridden suburbanite teenage girls out there: Just because someone wears a tie over an undershirt and terrorizes suburbia on a skateboard doesn't mean they are "hard core."

Next, Metallica. One-time pioneers of hard-driving, no-holds-barred heavy metal, Metallica have now decided to take the musical road well-traveled. Their new single, "St. Anger," is unimaginative bordering on plagiarism. From leaders to followers in just a couple of decades. Sad, really. And in between these two endeavors they found the time to throw caution to the wind and proclaim, "We really are in this for the money!" to anyone within shouting distance. Between fighting Napster and making an album of cover songs, Metallica has been too busy to retain their integrity. That's understandable; making honest and worthwhile music takes a lot of hard work and energy. Not everyone is up to it. Maybe Metallica should just throw in the towel, retire, and put their feet up for the rest of their lives. Lord knows they have enough money to do it, and they certainly won't miss playing music all the time; if they loved it so much, they wouldn't make such a big deal about losing the money.

Third, the whole punk-pop genre. You know who I'm talking about. Sum 41, Good Charlotte, Blink 182, and pretty much anyone else on the American Pie soundtracks. Joey Ramone is spinning in his grave. Wait. Maybe I'm being unfair here. Cetainly it's a good thing that white American teenage boys now have a musical outlet for all the rage they must feel living in their white-bread and milk-fed worlds. It must be intensely frustrating for them when their mommies refuse to buy them that $100 pair of JNCO jeans and tell them that just because Benji and Joel have a couple of tattoos doesn't mean they get to have one too. Getting yelled at by mall security for loitering must be pretty humiliating as well. It's enough to make one stomp upstairs into one's huge bedroom and break something expensive. I guess it's better they sit at home and listen to this kind of music instead of being out on the streets shooting paintballs from car windows at pedestrians or slipping drugs into some girl's drink at a rave. Oh, wait. They do that anyway.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm an equal opportunity critic. So let's move on to rap and hip-hop, shall we? I don't know about you, but I remember a day when rap artists used to rap about things. Important things. Relevant things. Not how much cash they have in their pockets or what kind of TV they have hanging in their car or how everybody always be hatin' on 'em. They used their musical medium to urge their fans not to kill one another, to show how shitty their lives were when all they did was loot and use drugs, and even praise those around them for doing good things. My point is that when rap first began, it wasn't an exploitation or celebration of the poor and ignorant. It was a tool to raise social awareness. Oh, and I also remember a day when rap artists used to be artists, not plagarists. Most of the beats they used, they created, and when they did sample something they gave credit where credit was due. P-Diddy, you suck. You're an unimaginative moron who can't close his mouth, and you suck. There, I said it. Somebody had to, and I'm glad it was me.

Now, hip-hop has always been about bubble-gum beats and lyrics. But nowadays it's kind of morphed into a fashion show/bad body image festival. I don't have a problem with the actual music; we all sometimes need music we don't have to think about. It's the irresponsible behavior of the "artists." Hip-hop is as bad as pop music when it comes to making young girls feel bad about their bodies while filling their heads with vapid, over-sexed lyrics. Do you want to know why we have nine year old girls going on talk shows in tube tops bragging about how many dicks they sucked by age seven? It's because we bombard them with images of Beyonce Knowles—a grown woman—shaking her ass and encouraging those nine-year-olds to be sexy like her. When you're a child you don't—and shouldn't—have any concept of your own sexuality. But do these singers uphold their duty to use their own sexuality wisely? Hardly. I wish the parents of every pregnant fourteen year old girl would get together and file some sort of suit against these "artists." Why not? Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne both had to go to trial for supposedly pushing their fans into suicide. Let's drag Destiny's Child in for getting teenagers knocked up. Where the fuck is the PMRC when you actually need them, for crying out loud?

I really could go on for days about how the music industry is slowly brainwashing all of us, telling us what to listen to on the radios (thank you, Clear Channel monopoly) or see on television (MTV, you haven't been cutting edge since Alternative Nation went off the air), or how truly gifted musicians generally fall away into obscurity because they're not marketable enough, or how the ones that actually make it into mainstream usually have to sell their integrity at some point for—literally—a song (yes, Jewel, I'm talking to you, sweetheart). It sucks. You know it and I know it. So what can we do about it?

1. Make it a point to expand your musical horizons. If there is a band you like on the radio, find out who they claim to be inspired by. I'll bet that nine times out of ten you'll enjoy their influences as much as—if not more than—them.
2. Support your local music scene. There are literally hundreds of bands out there that you will never see on MTV or hear on some Clear Channel radio station. But that doesn't mean that they suck. I can't count how many times I've gone to see some mainstream band live at some club and been blown away by their opening (local) band. Check the internet and local papers every once in a while to find out who's playing in your area. You might just be surprised. Also, by buying their CDs, you can help support independent labels record more great artists.
3. Downloading music is not (currently) a crime. But use MP3 downloads as a research tool. If you find something you like on the internet, then go out and buy it. This way you support the musicians you like by giving them the money they need to record more terrific music for you to listen to. Alternately, you can use music downloads to screw over record companies. Encourage fans of mainstream music to download rather than buy. This takes money out of the pockets of record company executives and shows them that people won't stand for as much recycled shit as they think we can. Music downloads are constructive and destructive tools; just make sure of where you stand before you click that button.
4. Talk about music. If there is something that you like, tell people about it. Start a fan club, join mailing lists, and tell other people about the music you like. Spread the word. There are so many different artists that I love, but never would have known about if someone hadn't said, "Holly, you gotta hear this one band . . ." Don't be a selfish bastard.

I'm tired. All of this grandstanding makes a gal sleepy. Thanks for reading all the way to the end. I know some of my opinions may not be the same as yours, but if you really stop to think about it you'll find that I'm dead-on most of the time. I put way too much thought into shit like this to be wrong all of the time. So if you care, take action. Refuse to accept saccharine substitutes. Seek truth and meaning. Spit in the eye of anything that comes short of greatness. That's not so hard, is it?

Thanks,
Holls

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