Okay, class. If you remember from yesterday's lecture, we talked about what not to do when ordering a pizza over the phone. So today, we're gonna cover the part when the food actually arrives at your door.

This list is a little shorter than my last one, but no less important. One thing to remember: I'm mostly gonna be using restaraunts as a frame of refernce, but these points can be applied to delivery service as well.

1. THEY ARE CALLED SERVERS, NOT SERVANTS
   While it's true that these people are getting paid to serve you, that doesn't mean that they are at your every beck and call. That basically means that you should treat these good people with respect. After all, they are in charge of the items you are about to put into your mouth. *wink, wink*
2. TIPPING: THE UNSPOKEN RULE
   Eating food you cook yourself is generally cheaper than ordering out. If you're willing enough to (no pun intended) dish out the dough for take-out food, then you should be generous enough to tip the person bringing it to you. I know (and have known) so many people who work in food service, and they've all taught me that most of their income comes from tips. That's right. The measely two bucks you hand the pizza guy at your door or leave on the table at the restaraunt actually means the difference between paying the rent and homelessness for a lot of servers. Beacuse it all adds up. Tipping isn't mandatory, but neither is washing and you do that every day . . . Well, you should, anyway.
   If you don't know how to tip, it's customary to leave 15-20% of the total. Or, if you're not that good at math, just double to tax. A tip should reflect upon the service rendered, but leaving nothing at all just tells people that you are a rude cheapskate. And if you frequent the same place, the employees will remember you. Whether or not they remember you kindly is up to you.
3. THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU
   A good server should make you feel as if you are their only customer, but you would do well to remember that you are only one among many. Don't be a high maintenence customer. The essence of high maintenence is what my mom calls "time-suckage". If your server has to run back and forth bringing you things because you forgot to tell him/her about them the other fifty times they were right in front of your face, you are high maintenence. If your order is so complicated you need hand gestures, diagrams, and an abacus to place it, you are high maintenence. If you ask for your server's opinion about everything on the menu, then reject all their suggestions, then order the first thing they recommended to you, you are high maintenence. Do any of these things (or anything like 'em) and you may eventually get what you want, but it'll take forever and you'll piss off your server. And, once again, it's a good idea not piss off the person who's in charge of the quality of your food.
4. SERVERS ARE PEOPLE, TOO
   Maybe one day in the future, science will invent robots that can do all the things a server can do. But until that day of utopia arrives, we have mere human beings to provide those services for us. That means they can make mistakes. Your pizza guy can forget to bring out your side of jalapenos, or your side of ranch, or even--God forbid--your 2 Liter of Diet Coke (and who the hell orders a diet drink with pizza, you couldn't possibly be on a diet), but they have the ability to rectify the situation. Just beacause they had a momentary lapse doesn't make them a mouth-breathing moron; we've all had our own brain farts, after all.
5. THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN COMPLAINING AND BITCHING
   We've all had our bad days, and I can see how one little thing wrong with your order could seem like the straw that broke the camel's back. But I can assure you that it's not the end of the world if your pizza is two minutes late or if your Dr. Pepper refill is a little slow getting to your table. There is a fine line between complaining about bad service and bitching because you've had a rotten day and you feel like bitching.
6. DON'T BE SELFISH; EXERCISE COMMON COURTESY
   We all have a job to do. Whether or not you work in some sort of food or customer service industry, your work day is always easier when you don't have to deal with the hassels of others. Put yourself in the shoes of the person serving your food. Think about the bad day they might have had. Why not be the best customer ever in the history of customers? It'll make you feel good, and you won't wind up with an unidentified blob of something in your food.

I'd like to thank my buddy D.J. for giving me the idea for this list. He's a driver for the pizza place I work at, yet another working schmo trying to make money in one of the most thankless jobs of all. And if I missed something in this list, I'm sure he'll let me know. This is for him, and it's for all the drivers, phone center operators, waiters/waitresses, hostesses, valet parking attendants, and everyone else who's had to cowtow to the ungrateful masses for a measely buck.

I hope these little lists will help everyone in the world to remember that we do things without thinking all the time. E-mail your friends, tell your family and long-lost relatives, and share the knowledge. It will spread, creating a chain of enlightment that will lead to peace all around the world. I will get the Nobel Peace Prize, be nominated Queen of the Universe, and . . .

Okay, so it won't do all that. But it'll make you a better person, and that's all right isn't it? ;)

Holls

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