Just between you and me, I'm not a big-time rockstar. I'm not even a local hero on the music scene (not yet, anyway). So what does a musician do when they're not a "professional" yet?

Say it with me, kids: DAY JOB. That's right.

My day job (or night job if you wanna get technical 'bout it) is working in the phone center at my local pizza parlor. I am a glorified pizza whore, yes, it's true. It's a wonderful job; I don't have to wear a uniform, I get to listen to all types of great music, I can read in between calls, and all my co-workers are super cool. The only thing that sucks about my job is the people I have to deal with on the other end of the phone. It sounds like a weak joke, "My job would be great if it weren't for the customers," but it's actually true ninety percent of the time. There's a reason why cliches are cliches.

So here's a list of the things that bug the crap out of me. A top ten things-to-remember list for all of you out there who don't know how to properly conduct yourself on the phone when ordering pizza:

1. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO ORDER BEFORE YOU PICK UP THE PHONE
   Literally rule number one. This sounds pretty basic, but you'd be surprised how many minutes of my (and the customer's) time is wasted by people not knowing what they want to eat. Figure out what your order is going to be, then start dialing. This also cuts down on the number of times you have to call us back and change your order and waste the perfectly good food that we thought you wanted to eat.
2. FIND A QUIET ROOM
   If you're having a party, or watching the football game, or just have a lot of people in your house, go find a room without any people in it to place the order from. Once again, it seems silly to have to point out such a simple concept, but the operator on the other end can hear the noise in your house as well as (if not better than) they can hear you. In many cases, the noise makes it hard to hear what you have to say, and therefore makes the pizza ordering process more arduous and painful for both parties involved.
3. KEEP ANNOYING NOISES TO A MINIMUM
   Babies, TVs, radios, etc., are all annoying noises. If you have a screaming baby in your arms, give it or the phone to someone else. If the TV or radio is going full blast, it's not gonna kill you to turn it down for five minutes to make a phone call. If you're thinking about something, do not do that awful open-mouthed hum in between sentences. That also includes smacking your lips, saying "la-la-la," "ummmmmm," and any other things that, endearing as they may be to friends and family, will reverberate in the phone and then the ear of the operator.
4. SPEAK CLEARLY
   "Thick crust" sounds and awful lot like "thin crust" when you have a mushmouth. If you want to get what you order and don't want to spend thiry minutes on the phone trying to get it, you just have to enunciate a little bit. It's not that hard.
   Oh, and speaking clearly does not mean speaking slowly while yelling into the phone. We are not morons, and we can speak English quite well, thank you.
5. YOU ARE NOT A COMMEDIAN
   Imagine that you've had to deal with nothing but idiots and frustration all day long. Then imagine that you've had to hear the same lame joke twenty times a day every day of your life. Now you can identify with phone center operators. You are not funny to us, and you are not original. When asked, "Is there anything else I could get for you today?" do not reply, "Yeah, a million bucks," or "How 'bout a winnin' lottery ticket?" or "A bottle of vodka and a six pack would be nice," or any other "witty" remarks that may be floating in your head.
6. KIDS CAN'T MAKE PIZZA ORDERS
   The only thing role kids should play in the pizza ordering process is that of eating the pizza. It's cool that you want to teach your child how to be a productive member of society, but it's not as cute as it seems when your five-year-old takes fifteen minutes to order one large pepperoni. Wait 'till they hit puberty, maybe, when they have some better people skills, before making them your phone slaves.
7. BE PREPARED FOR YOUR PIZZA TO ARRIVE
   Yet another basic concept. But it seems that a lot of people forget that they just ordered a pizza the second they hang up the phone. So here's a hint: Finish your business before you order the pizza, or wait until you're done eating it. Don't try to be clever and think, "They said it would take forty minutes to get here, so if I jump in the shower right now I'll have time to go to the store and visit my grandmother in Florida before my pizza arrives." You will be wrong. And it'll take us twice as long to get your small pineapple and anchovy on thin crust to you.
8. CHECKS AND CASH ARE NOT THE SAME THING
   I think that pretty self-explanatory, and maybe a little nit-picky on my part. But when asked if you're paying cash, don't say, "Yeah, I'll be paying with a check." Knowing the difference between checks and cash is not going to make the process go any smoother; it's just more annoying that anything else, really, if you don't.
9. WE KNOW ALL YOUR STUPID TRICKS
   This one goes out to all the scammers out there. It's kind of like the joke thing; we've heard it all. We know if you have (or don't have) a credit on your file, your pizza was not spit on, there is no cockroach in your lasagna, and we will verify all strange orders. Think of us phone center operators as jaded cops. We know all your stupid tricks; you can't fool us, so don't try. All it will accomplish is a nasty little note on your file and suspicion of your character for the rest of your pizza ordering days.
10. EXERCISE COMMON SENSE
    This is a blanket rule for all the points I haven't covered. We answer the phone assuming you are a cognizant human being with a basic knowledge of how things work. We don't expect you to be rocket scientists or members of MENSA, but we do expect that you will know how to conduct yourself on the telephone. Use some common sense, people! Act like you've interacted with other human beings before. Even if you haven't, I'm sure you've got a TV; watch how the people act on the magic box in your livingroom and try to be like them.

That's it, folks. I know that most of you out there have not committed any of these horrific transgressions, but a few rotten apples spoil the bunch, as they say. So be good, kids, and remember: phone center operators are people and not all-knowing, all-seeing beings created to serve your every whim and fancy.

Holls

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